Surely not I?

 This week's verses are Matthew 26:20-25:

When it was evening, he took his place at the table with the twelve. And while they were eating he said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.” They became greatly distressed and each one began to say to him, “Surely not I, Lord?” He answered, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go as it is written about him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would be better for him if he had never been born.” Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely not I, Rabbi?” Jesus replied, “You have said it yourself.”

 These verses take place not long after Judas went to the Pharisees to make a deal to rat out Jesus. Jesus knows it and makes it known that he knows that one of them is going to betray him. The disciples are all somewhat nervous that he might think it is one of them.

We focus a lot on the fact that Jesus knew that Judas was going to betray him, but we don't often notice that all of them are a bit worried it might be one of them. It's not like there were eleven super-Christians and one devil in disguise. Being the weak link was within the envelope of what these humble men could imagine themselves to be.

Judas, on the other hand, even after Jesus more or less confirms it is him, continues along with his doomed plan. Jesus explicitly says that after he goes through with it, it would be better for him if he had never been born, but even then he goes through with it! How hard must his heart have been to have just doubled down on that bad bet instead of repenting?

But how many of us, even when we know something is wrong, that it is not God's will, continue with our bad behavior anyway? Can we really judge Judas for his big betrayal when we commit many little betrayals ourselves? Like Judas, we probably think "I'm basically a good person. OK so this isn't exactly good behavior, but the overall balance is in my favor right? I mean look at that guy over there; at least I'm not him!"

Instead, we should have the humility of Jesus' other disciples. When they were confronted with the possibility of their own failure, they very much took it seriously and were afraid. When they heard the horrors Jesus described, they thought "wow, that could be me." Do we think that and examine ourselves when we hear about some horrible crime, some stupid mistake, or the depraved behavior of some public figure? When we read what Jesus says about people who reject him and his path, do we ask "Surely not I, Lord?"

One of the great things about the Bible is its ability to not only tell us what the right thing is, but to show us how ordinary people can fail. Maybe Judas wasn't the only one who considered cashing things in and going off to live life on their own terms. The remaining disciples sure took off quickly when Jesus was arrested. The difference is that they came back.

So we should look at Judas' betrayal not with a sense of disgusted self-superiority, but with a twinge of fear and introspection. If someone so devout, hand-chosen by Jesus, could go so wrong, can we really allow ourselves to ignore the possibility that we too some day could make that wrong turn and never look back?

Thank God that we are with him right now, and always have a chance to come back to him when we lose our way. Pray that we would be protected in these difficult days, and that we would always and ultimately continue to choose him despite what is offered to us by the losing team.